When I Let Go of My Childhood

I think I can pinpoint the exact time I grew up. I allowed my responsible take charge nature control my childhood at a very early age. I date this back to 1982, just a couple of months after the birth of my younger sister. Considering all the turmoil I endured prior to that new addition to my family. I led my life as a confused kid, always hopeful that my mother would protect me and make everything all right.

I must admit I always question why ...my mother put up with my father. I know now that culture, religion and fear played a major part. Mexican women, rephrase that - Catholic Mexican women were accustomed to the machoist syndrome. The Mexican man was to be the provider, authoritative master and commander. This was nothing new to my mother. Looking at the relationship I see with my grandparents I didn't see how those thoughts could have been nurtured into my mother's mind. After learning that my grandfather cheated on my grandmother and my grandmother knowing this still allowed it to occur. She like many women of her time consider it a fad and a primal need of males.

Anyway, my father was an over bearing typical macho from "those days". However, he was not around as much. This allowed me to remain carefree for at least a few years of susceptible knowledge. I can only remember the bad times when my father was around, luckily for me that was a lower percentage of my existence.

What drove me to a higher state of mind and responsibility was the need to assist my mother with the upbringing of my sister. I recall many nights that my sister would awaken wanting to be fed in the middle of the night, which is the case of all new born babies. My mother was prepared though. Every evening she would take her breast milk and store it in thermos containers. I would wake at the first sound of her voice and would volunteer to feed and rock her back to sleep. She was more that a doll to play with, I knew better than to think of her that way. From that day forward I got it into my own little head that my sister was to be my responsibility. I allowed for this to happen and robbed myself of childhood mischief.

Do I regret it? Honestly not entirely. I regret allowing myself to worry so much for things that were out of my control and out of my responsibility for caring. I think I also robbed myself out of a true sibling relationship.